"Submit a friend or loved one with facial hair abuse issues for a personal hydrovention today! If your case is selected Doc Hydro's team of nurses will set up a surprise appointment at the patient's home, office, or favorite hang out. Your personal hydrovention will be filmed and aired on our website, facebook, and youtube page. The patient will be cleaned up and hydrated just in time to send yourself, the patient and two friends on a SPRING BREAK TRIP."
Want to undermine the legitimacy of corporal punishment? Refer to it as "hitting your kids."
Want to undermine the conservation of marriage? Refer to it as "hate speech."
Want to undermine the manliness of beardedness? Refer to it as "facial hair abuse issues."
Oh the damnable subtlety with which phrases are turned!
This beast--Weaver's "Great Stereopticon" (that's "mass media" for the rest of us)--would turn roommate against roommate, wife against husband, and man against follicle.
Have we forgotten how to blush? Would we expose said blush bare-cheeked? For shame.
To that supposed example of "facial hair abuse" in the upper right-hand corner, I say,
"Sir, do not be taken in: Delilah 2.0 stands below you, casting her pseudo-seductive gaze; but, she is a pawn of Schick, and does not want you, but your demise."